Today I went for a bike ride around an island close by. Conquered my fear of riding on a two way road (less than a mile, but still). The gigantic “SHARE THE ROAD” sign was comforting. The one-car-at-a-time bridge was scarier. Anyway, I didn’t use my gps watch so not sure how far it was, but looking at a map it looks to be about 21.4 kilometers or 13.3 miles total. I wasn’t really planning on blogging my day to day things but been too busy to figure out what I really want to write about. Maybe I’ll just continue to just write, doing more and thinking less.
I guess this post is about fears. For some reason I get really anxious when I go new places. I’m afraid someone’s going to tell me “you can’t go there, it’s forbidden” or “you’re riding the bike across the bridge wrong.” I really don’t understand where these thoughts are coming from. As I’ve learned more, I am totally aware of all the thoughts in my head. I’m even aware of what it does to my mind and body. I’m trying to figure out where these negative thoughts are coming from. There’s few images of periods in my life that pop up but they disappear and certain things trigger them. They are not really bad memories, more just people asking “why are you talking to yourself?” or “don’t run across the road like that.” I don’t understand why these simple experiences affect me so much. I think it has something to do with my memory. While my episodic memory is all jumbled, I feel like most people remember their childhood pretty good. I remember some events, but I don’t remember the details as well as other people do. And I think fear has something to do with it. I really do think my amygdala is all messed up. Not sure if it happened before or after the klonopin. There’s a whole other story I should write about later.
This one was about fears. It’s important to face your fears. That is the only way to overcome them. Seems simple enough. I know it’s true, I’ve seen it in action, but I still can not get over things. Exposure is the most effective, in my opinion. By just getting out there you are habituating yourself. Making it easier the next time. It is a process and it takes time. I’m trying to think of a fear I want to overcome, oh, job interviews are the worst. I hate being judged by people and this is the ultimate test for exactly that. And I am too modest which makes me less motivated to be “proud of my accomplishments” or whatever. I had a group interview once and that was awful. Here’s one person that is a single parent and has kids and there’s someone who is disabled. Made me feel really shitty. Now all I think about are all those other candidates that are more deserving of a job than I am. I don’t need money for food…
Tomorrow I should try to write a little earlier in the day. First of all, I’m barely getting done before midnight. Secondly, I don’t even know if any of this makes sense because I’m too tired to look it over. Uff da.